July 20, 2011 § 2 Comments

It’s been a tough week for the Indian forest department. First of all, as usual, they are dealing with the regular 548 daily snakebites that Indian idiots are sustaining, and then their attempt to foil a secret monkey wedding was unfoiled by monkey-marriage-minded villagers. But as if that wasn’t a stressful enough workload, now their heads are being partially eaten by a homicidal forest beast. Imagine if your day-to-day job involved being attacked by a wild leopard (Panthera pardus). These people need a raise.

What you are looking at is exactly what it looks like: a wild leopard attacking Indian forest department workers. The cat, apparently, had wandered too close to a populated area, and was harassing the villagers (who were probably busy planning a clandestine marriage for some kind of simians and didn’t want to be disturbed by a hungry leopard). They called the forest department, who dutiful arrived (with motorcycle helmets and khaki pants), and while trying to capture the animal, became snack food. Eleven of the forest department workers were mauled by the leopard, which naturally attacks by leaping on its prey’s back and biting the skull. Thus the necessity for motorcycle helmets, I suppose.

I just hope that this strategy is not making the rounds in the feline world (@HomicidalLeopard: “Just jump on the back and bite the skull. The chubby ones move SO slow! LOL! #humansaredelicous”). It’s worrisome, because I have a cat. I’m not sure that Handsome Frank (named for Franklin Pierce, the 14th president of the United States) has a twitter account, but it would not surprise me if he leapt down off the dresser and tried to eat my head (@HandsomeFrank: “Now I can have all the catnip I want! #legalize-it”). He’s already ill-mannered enough as it is.

And the Indian people who are here in the United States are not fairing much better. A group of strict Indian Hindus (whose religion forbids them from eating meat) recently celebrated “India Day” at a take-out restaurant called Moghul Express, in New Jersey. They were served vegetarian samosas, only to discover, after they’d eaten it, that they actually contained beef. The diners were understandably bummed out when they realized that they had brought the wrath of their deities on themselves for eating the beef (cows being sacred in beliefs) (or maybe cows are reincarnated family members) (whatever…obviously I don’t know anything about Hinduism, I just know that eating meat is bad mojo). So they got together and sued the Moghul Express.

So what were the terms of their lawsuit? Millions in civil settlements and damages? Actually, no. All they asked for was that Moghul Express cover their travel costs to return to India and take a ceremonial cleansing bath in the Ganghes River. Now, I am thinking, “Are you people idiots? Do you not know about the snakebites and hungry leopards?” But religion is a weird thing. I suppose that if somebody told me that I had eaten a part of one of my deities (or perhaps a part of one of my reincarnated relatives), I would probably want some ceremonial cleansing, too (@kidsoftherecession: “Accidentally ate part of Uncle Dave. #whoops #peptobismal”). So I guess I support these people in their desire to have a soul-cleansing soak. But it bears noting that the Ganghes is the most polluted river in the world.

I might just opt for a bubble bath.

What I want to know is this: why would the Moghul Express serve samosas with beef on “India Day”? 80% of people from India don’t eat meat. Didn’t one of the cooks think, “Wait a minute. Why are we feeding beef to vegetarians?” It’s like serving pork chops on “Jewish Day”.

So these are tough days to be Indian. I would love to do something to help, but I am now too worried that Handsome Frank is going to leap onto my back and try to eat my head.

And admit it…the pictures of the leopards attacking those idiots are pretty incredible.

(Alternate title for this article: “#peptobismal.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.


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