I will be at home eating trout.

August 17, 2011 § 2 Comments

I have seen the seedy underbelly of humanity, and it is weird. Everyday I get a list of the google search terms that lead people to Kids of the Recession. Usually I don’t pay much attention to it, but yesterday, just for a laugh, I took a peek. Frankly, some of you people are weird-os. The leading search results from yesterday were “cristina fernandez” (with 22 hits), “african crested rat” (15), and “chickens” (11). These are not so strange, because I have definitely written about Cristina Fernandez, African crested rats, and chickens. It is some of the items further down on the list that are a little more unexpected. For example:

“image of the mouse hind leg tendon” (3)
“alaska sea life green eel” (3)
“ass of hanuman langur” (1)
“papaya makes you poop” (1)

And the following Katy Perries:

“katy perry biting” (4)
“katy perry blonde” (4)
“katy perry standing in hallway” (1)
“katy perry santa claus” (1)
“katy perry boobs icon” (1)
“katy perry bath pizza” (1)

So clearly my constant unrelated references to Katy Perry are yielding high quality google results, especially for whichever one of you searched for “katy perry bath pizza.” Thank you, crazy people, for reading Kids of the Recession! I will continue writing about Katy Perry and Hanuman langurs (Semnopithecus entellus) as long as you keep googling “papaya makes you poop”.

You may remember, of course, that the tainted papaya (which “makes you poop”) came from Mexico. Mexico is not just known for poisoned fruit; they are also known for the chupacabra. The chupacabra, for those who don’t believe in such things, is a vampire-like Mexican wolf creature that probably doesn’t exist. Except that some guys in Maryland caught one.

The chupacabra (which is Spanish for “goat sucker”) is alleged to stalk, kill, and suck the blood from goats. They have mostly been “seen” in Central America, but apparently have also been seen in Maryland. Some guys on a smoke break from work spotted the beast skulking around in a back alley, and lured it into a trap using some Chinese food leftovers as bait. Once the chupacabra was captured, they were disappointed to discover that it was not a Mexican vampire dog, but simply a gray fox (Urocyon cinereoargenteus) with mange. Alas, cryptozoologists have had their hopes dashed by another hoax. They have gone back to their mothers’ basements with their grainy photos of Bigfoot.

An animal that is definitely real, and apparently numerous, is the Lake Erie water snake (Nerodia sipedon insularum). The Lake Erie water snake has been “delisted” by the U.S. Department of the Interior: it is no longer an endangered species.

The Lake Erie water snake is a snake that lives in the waters of Lake Erie. It is generally brownish, snake-like, mostly harmless, and apparently common enough to not be “endangered.” People along the shores of Lake Erie are excited that they are going to have the best Whacking Day in many years. (Hands up if you got that joke…well done). Nature fans and snake enthusiasts can feel free to make the journey to Lake Erie to see the Lake Erie water snake, if they are particularly interested in seeing a brownish snake. If you go, let me know how it goes.

I will be at home eating trout, because I hear that trout aren’t going to be around much longer.

Trout are going the way of the archaeopteryx which went the way of the Brontosaurus which went the way of the buffalo. Scientists figure that due to global warming (the same reason that polar bears are eating British people) the populations of trout worldwide will be cut in half by 2080. So apparently my children (or grandchildren) will live on a very hot planet with no trout. And Lake Erie water snakes will overrun the Great Lakes. And everyone in Argentina will have a TV.

Another thing that our descendants may have to live without is Foster’s. Everyone knows Foster’s, right? It’s Australian for beer! And it seems that soon it will be Australian for nothing.

Foster’s is the target of a hostile takeover by something called SABMiller (which apparently also own Peroni, which Italian for beer). I’m assuming that now Aussies will have to follow the example of the wallabies if they want to get their buzz on. I will miss their comically oversized cans, but as long as SABMiller doesn’t buy out Well’s Banana Bread Beer, I will find a way to soldier on.

Keep googling, crazy people!

(Alternate title for this article: “Katy Perry bath pizza.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.


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