The People’s Church of Opossumism.

August 25, 2011 § 4 Comments

If you are an Irrawaddy dolphin (Orcaella brevirostris) looking for love, you have about as good a chance at finding a mate as a capybara in southern California. That’s because there are only 85 Irrawaddy dolphins left. That’s the same amount as the number of scholarships as a Division I NCAA football team. (Sorry, it’s almost football season, and I am pumped) (go Wildcats!). But that’s not good news for the Irrawaddy dolphin.

This happy-looking fellow represents more than 1% of the total population of Irrawaddy dolphins, which are sacred animals in Indonesia and Thailand. I don’t know why humans are prone to picking rare and endangered animals as their deities. If I were starting a religion from scratch, I wouldn’t pick something endangered, I would pick the raccoon (Procyon lotor) or the opossum (Didelphis virginiana) or the wild turkey (Meleagris gallopavo), so then I would always know that I had a ready supply of deities on hand if one of them got hit by a Ford F-150 (which happens to opossums a lot around here). I’m sorry if you live in a place without opossums or raccoons or wild turkeys. You will just have to find a different religion to associate yourself with; the People’s Church of Opossumism isn’t for everyone. You might want to try the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I’ve heard good things about them. (Of course the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a real thing, silly!).

Another thing that Opossumists will worship will be black holes. Because let’s be honest: black holes are (1) awesome, and (2) super awesome. It’s pretty sweet to think that a giant thing that’s made of nothing (which is how I understand black holes) could swallow up everything. And scientists recently saw a black hole do just that, live and in action.

I’m not sure how these things work, but a star called Swift 1644+57 (which is about 4.5 million light years away, which is about 26,453,429,200,000,000,000 miles) got vacuumed up by a black hole, and a couple of nerds at NASA got to watch the whole process. Apparently it takes about two days for a black hole to eat a star, which is good news, because if one shows up in our galaxy, we will have a little flex-time to prepare our souls for the Lord (or the Great Opossum, depending on what you believe), and for all the virgins to get laid before the end of life as we know it.

And Swift 1644+57’s recent consumption is not the only thing in galactic news these days. NASA wants us to know that they found a new type of star, and it’s no hotter than you or me.

A “Y Dwarf” star is apparently a small type of star that, unlike all the other stars, which give off light and heat and radiation, just sits there and does nothing. Apparently scientists had hypothesized about ten years ago that such a thing could exist, and NASA recently found one, about 40 light years away (about 235,139,993,000,000 miles). Apparently some scientists call them “failed stars,” because they’ve tried to become a star, but not succeeded. I would recommend that if the Y Dwarf wants to be a star so bad, it should just make a sex tape and release it on the internet, like Paris Hilton or the guy who played Screech on “Saved by the Bell”.

Now call me crazy, but if something tries to be a star, but doesn’t become a star, shouldn’t we call it something other than a “star”? You wouldn’t call me a “Hungarian” just because I want to go to Hungary. But I digress.

The point is, these Y Dwarf (non)stars are apparently not giving off much heat, and so they are only about as hot as a human body (about 100 F), which is different than a real star (which is about 27,000,000 F). I can only speak for myself, but I would estimate that Katy Perry’s body is 27,000,000 F.

Get it? Because Katy Perry is hot. (“I kissed a Y Dwarf star and I liked it…”)

And lastly, not to disappoint children in Eugene, Oregon (the land of the tainted strawberry, by the way), but you can’t have chocolate milk at lunch anymore.

The government has decided that chocolate milk is bad for kids, because it is a gateway milk to more hardcore dairy products, like aged cheeses and goat’s milk. I am joking, of course, but the government really is taking away the chocolate milk. They think that the chocolatey goodness of the chocolate milk is bad for kids, so the only option will be normal, unflavoured milk. Call me a cynic, but I think that the government would be better off trying making sure that kids can read by the time they graduate and that they stop bringing guns to school, instead of fighting the war against chocolate. But that’s just me. (@TheWhiteHouse: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself! And chocolate. #milkismurder”)

Remember that you can win FREE AMAZING WONDERFUL MARVELOUS HAND-DRAWN AUTHENTIC AND TOTALLY FREE Kids of the Recession cartoons and T. rexes by following Kids of the Recession on Facebook. Bonus benefits to follow! (Maybe).

(Alternate title for this article:  “Chocolate milk is a gateway milk.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.

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