Think before you jog.
September 8, 2011 § 4 Comments
I have never been hit by a car. I have been hit by a hockey puck (community league peewee hockey), I have been hit by a girl (Leah Foley, for reasons that I don’t remember; I probably deserved it), I have been hit with a frying pan (in the backroom of a Denny’s that I worked in throughout high school), I have been hit by the sudden realization that I’m not as physically fit as I used to be (which happened this morning while I was trying to bend over to put on my socks), but I have never been hit by a car. The same cannot be said for Reese Witherspoon. As of this morning, she has been hit by a car.
Miss Witherspoon was apparently out jogging in her neighborhood in Los Angeles, California, when an 84 year old motorist missed a stop sign and hit Witherspoon in a crosswalk. You will be relieved to know that she is fine, recovering at home, and showing no signs of ill effect (other than possibly considering another “Legally Blonde” movie). There are many lessons to be learned from this cautionary tale. First of all, why are we letting 84 year olds drive? That person’s great granddaughter couldn’t drive them down to the Cracker Barrel for the Senior’s Discount breakfast? But most importantly: why are we still letting people jog? Don’t people realize that jogging leads to sweatiness and expensive sneakers and eventual automobile-related death? If Reese Witherspoon had just been trying on dresses and signing autographs and having photos taken with tiny dogs (that’s how I assume famous people spend their days) rather than engaging in the criminally dangerous activity of jogging, none of this would have happened. Remember, my friends, think before you jog.
Another thing you may want to think before doing is going outside. Or at the very least, if you go outside, you may want to take an umbrella. I say this because, as we all know, things in space are trying to kill us. And this time I’m not just talking about the sun’s invisible death rays. I am talking about a seven ton satellite that is going to fall on our heads. And no one is quite sure when.
The Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) has been up in space for the last six years, and those nerds down at NASA expect it to reenter our atmosphere and crash into earth “sometime in late September or early October.” Most of it is expected to burn up in the ozone (or whatever), but NASA assures us that not all of it will burn up, and it could spread a debris trail 500 miles long. 500 miles! “I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, just to be man who got crushed by seven tons of space debris.” So hopefully the nerds down at NASA will give us a “head’s up” when the time is right so that we can all hide in our fallout shelters and look at pictures of Katy Perry’s butt.
And speaking of butts, I really try to avoid NSFW topics (like the recent halt in all production of California porno movies; you know that I was dying to make jokes about that), but with this one I can’t resist. The Hungarian government has got it figured out. They want you to take the national census, and they know how to get you to do it: naked Hungarian ladies.
The Hungarian government has released a borderline inappropriate Youtube advertisement to entice people to participate in the census. The census taker goes to the door, a mostly naked woman answers, they have a conversation in Hungarian, and then it’s over. You can watch it here. I don’t speak that much Hungarian, but I’m assuming that the dialogue goes like this:
Census taker: “Would you like to participate in the census?”
Woman: “Yes. And then we will have strange Hungarian intercourse!”
Census taker: “Excellent!”
Woman: “Strange Hungarian intercourse for everyone who participates in the census!”
Census taker: “Long live Hungary!”
But again, I don’t speak that much Hungarian, so I’m just guessing. I have got to be honest, though, I don’t know if this makes me want to take a Hungarian census or just go around knocking on random Hungarian doors and seeing what sort of naked people answer. This could be an interesting social experiment. But either way, if you live in Hungary, participate in the census.
There is also good news in the world that doesn’t involve naked Hungarian ladies. The U.S. government is stepping in to save the Franciscan manzanita. And not a moment too soon.
The Franciscan manzanita (Arctostaphylos hookeri franciscana) is an endangered shrub that only grows in the areas surrounding San Francisco. Actually, to be more specific, it used to grow in the areas surrounding San Francisco, but went extinct in 1947. Or so we thought, until a keen-eyed found one last lonely Franciscan manzanita growing on a traffic median in 2009. Local officials dug it up and moved it to a secret location (really), and asked the federal government to help them protect the manzanita from poachers. That’s right! Plant poachers! (@LegalizeIt6969: “Just got my hands on some wicked manzanita. I’m going to grow this shit in my backyard, next to the Japanese maple. #thuglife”). So if you’re in the San Francisco area and you see some kids on a playground late at night all huddled in the corner with their backs turned, call the cops: they’re either smoking weed or growing manzanita. The bastards!
(Alternate title for this article: “Naked Hungarian ladies.”)
Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.