“I’m here ironically!”

September 9, 2011 § 2 Comments

If the Nazis stole something from you, you should speak up, because you may be able to get your stuff back. I say that because the grandchildren of German-Jewish artist Max Liebermann got their great-grandfather’s painting back. The painting, called “Die Heimkehr des Tobias” (“The Return of Tobias”) was painted in 1934 by Max Liebermann, shortly before his death in 1935. And now it has been returned to its rightful owners.

The painting was one of thousands that the Nazis looted from museums across Europe during the early 1940s. After the war, German officials gave large numbers of paintings by Jewish artists to the Israel National Museum, and “Die Heimkehr des Tobias” was one of them. While the museum prepared for an exhibit about looted art (exhibit scheduled for 2012), they came across this painting, and began digging for details. Eventually they found Liebermann’s remaining relatives, and thought that the best thing to do was to send the painting back to Berlin, where Liebermann lived and worked, and where his family now resides. It was appraised at $200,000, and Liebermann’s relatives are planning to donate the work to a Berlin museum. So it’s a feel good story all around! And, as if that wasn’t enough, we won the war! Take that, Hitler! You asshole!

Speaking of assholes, the leader of the French Communist party is one. Well, he may be more of a dumbass than an asshole, but that’s just splitting hairs. His name is Francois Hollande, and he voted for the wrong guy.

I have occasionally been known to say borderline-racist things about the French, and this will certainly not endear me to them. This idiot, who is the leader of a political party and is running for president, recently voted for the wrong party during a recent vote in the French government. This would be like Barack Obama voting for Sarah Palin. (Was that political joke a little out-dated? I don’t really follow politics that closely). Now Hollande has to hang his head in shame, and the French presidential elections are less than a month away. The best part is this: it turns out he didn’t even show up to vote! He sent an aide to vote for him! So not only did he vote for the wrong side, but he also wasn’t doing his job! What’s French for “double whammy”? Bravo, Monsieur Hollande! Tu es un idiot! (@LeVraiFrancoisHollande: “I picked the wrong day to skip work. FML. #frenchpolitics #epicfail”). (I don’t know why Francois Hollande is tweeting in English, by the way).

And just to prove I’m not just picking on the French, I will also pick on someone else, because there are idiots all over the world. Like in Sweden, where they give alcohol to moose. (“mooses”?)

What you are looking at is a drunk moose in an apple tree. A gentleman in Gothenburg, Sweden, heard a noise in his backyard, and looked out his window to see that there was a moose in his apple tree. He called the authorities, who arrived on the scene and declared that the moose was drunk. They freed the moose and called it a cab, because they weren’t about to let that lush try to drive home. But really, what we all want to know is: who gave the moose the booze in the first place? (Discussion question: Would you give booze to a moose? How? Discuss.).

Let’s say you want to give an animal a treat, but you don’t want to give it booze. And let’s say that the animal in question is a lactose-intolerant dog. Well, thanks to Purina, you’re in luck. Introducing: Frosty Paws. Ice cream for lactose intolerant dogs.

I don’t even know what to say about this. (Maybe: “Do they make it for cats?”). Vanilla flavor? Really?

Given the choice, though, between eating lactose-free dog ice cream and eating earthworms, I would take the lactose-free dog food. Unfortunately for Bill Lawrence of Tipton County, Tennessee, he didn’t have any lactose-free dog ice cream on hand. So he lived for five days on earthworms.

Bill Lawrence was a regular guy, out hunting squirrels in Shelby Forest (Tennessee) State Park with his buddies when he became separated from his friends and got hopelessly lost. All he had was his shotgun, 15 rounds of ammunition, two bottles of water, and a can of “Off Deep Woods” bug repellant. He survived five days in the forest eating only earthworms and drinking pond water. Now, a sensible person might say, “Why didn’t he use his gun to shoot something and eat it?” and I say to that person: “You have not been to Tennessee.” Anyone who’s been to Tennessee understands that reasonable thinking is not necessarily achievable for Tennesseans. So Mr. Lawrence fired off all fifteen of his available shells into the air in an attempt to signal his friends. I would probably still try to use the gun to club an opossum before I resorted to earthworms. Although that might be against my Opossumist religious principles. Maybe Mr. Lawrence’s religious principles dictated that he fire all his ammunition into the air like a lunatic rather than use it for some less stupid purpose. “Good old Rocky Top! Rocky Top, Tennessee!”

(For those of you who will now have “Rocky Top” stuck in their head for the next 18 hours, I’m truly sorry.)

Last note before the weekend: Katy Perry is playing about an hour up the road in Louisville tomorrow night. I was thinking about going, but then I realized that tickets are $48, which caused me to remember that I think that Katy Perry’s music is pretty awful. $48 is a lot to spend on an inside joke. Although carrying a sign to a Katy Perry concert that says, “I’m here ironically!” would be pretty funny. Rock on, Katy Perry! Welcome to the Bluegrass State!

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And if you live in Hungary, please participate in the national census.

(Alternate title for this article: “Do they make it for cats?”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.

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§ 2 Responses to “I’m here ironically!”

  • […] curious thing is that she just played in Louisville this past Friday night (and no, I didn’t go), meaning that she probably got sick here in Kentucky. Didn’t […]

  • […] Melissa McCarthy is the very funny actress from the show “Mike & Molly” and Jenny McCarthy is an actress slash former Playmate slash MTV personality slash autism awareness advocate. Jenny also featured prominently in my puberty, for reasons that I won’t mention because my mother might be reading this. But there has apparently been a lot of speculation in Hollywood (by people who don’t have lives) as to whether or not they are related. So after Melissa won an Emmy (or whatever award she won; I can’t keep the awards straight. Emmys are for TV, right?), Jenny tweeted something about “congratulations to my cousin Melissa” blah blah blah they’re related. I don’t really care that much about this celebrity stuff; unless it involves Katy Perry. […]

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