September 13, 2011 § 2 Comments

Brace yourself: I am going to use the word “shit.” I just wanted to forewarn all my readers (particularly those with delicate constitutions who would be offended by “shit”) (or naked Hungarian ladies) that I am going to say “shit” at some point today, and I don’t want you to be shocked. “Shit” can be quite shocking.

But we’ll get to the “shit” in a moment. First of all, I want to congratulate two very special young ladies: Leila Lopes, the new Miss Universe, and Shirley, an orangutan who quit smoking. First, Leila Lopes. She is Miss Universe!

I didn’t know Miss Universe was still a thing, to be honest with you. But whether or not I acknowledge its existence, the Miss Universe pageant is apparently still going on, and this year Leila Lopes (who is from Angola) is the new Miss Universe. She doesn’t appear to be displaying a winning smile in this photo; her facial expression makes me think that there are sharp prongs on that tiara that are digging into her scalp. It ain’t easy being beautiful, I suppose. I hope that Miss Angola has a good reign as Miss Universe, and is able to perform all the duties of her office, which I think involves (a) holding flowers, (b) being radiant and lovely, and (c) wearing a push-up bra.

What I want to know is: how do people from other planets feel about us arbitrarily deciding that this lovely Angolan woman is the best looking woman in the universe? Did anyone consider the feelings of the women on Mars? Or HD-85512b?

What is HD-85512b, you ask? Let me tell you! The nerds down at NASA discovered about 50 new planets outside our solar system, and one of them is HD-85512b. It’s about 205,747,493,000,000 miles away from earth, and it’s in “the Goldilocks zone.” Really.

Scientists use the term “Goldilocks zone” to mean a planet that is not too close or too far from its star, so the temperature is not too hot and not too cold: suitable for life. HD-85512b has an average temperature of about 90 degrees Fahrenheit (which I imagine is the same average temperature as Costa Rica), and has a year that lasts 200 days. It is so perfect that scientists would be more surprised if there wasn’t life on it, than if there was life on it. “The Goldilocks zone.” So we’d better get the hell out there and find out what they think about Miss Angola.

And speaking of Miss Angola, did you think that I was going to forget to talk about Shirley, the orangutan who quit smoking? How could I forget?

I quit smoking a few years ago, and it was miserable. Shirley is an orangutan (Pongo pygmaeus) from the Johor Zoo in a place called Johor Bahru, Malaysia. Shirley was a recovered pet (people get pet orangutans when they’re small and cute; then they grow and start breaking things and throwing poop and, apparently, smoking). Officials rescued her from a private collector who had taught her to smoke, and now zookeepers have helped her to quit. She’s completely cigarette-free! (@JohorZookeeper: “Now if we could just get Shirley to quit drinkin’ Cuban rum. LOL! #AlcoholicOrangutansAnonymous”). Now you can take her to a fancy restaurant and know that she won’t embarrass you by lighting up during dessert. Although I can’t guarantee she won’t fling poop.

Speaking of poop, or “shit,” I warned you that I was going to say “shit” today. So here’s the deal with “shit”: you can’t say it on TV. Someone ought to tell that to Ron Jaworski.

Those of you who watched Monday Night Football last night (I drank an entire bottle of wine and went to bed at 7:45pm), you may have heard Ron “Jaws” Jaworski nonchalantly say “shit” on nationwide TV last night. You aren’t supposed to say “shit” on TV, even during a football game. He immediately apologized for it, but some people are very mad. Some people think that anyone who says “shit” on TV should lose their jobs or be publicly flogged or be burned at the stake. I don’t think it’s that big a deal to say “shit” on TV. I don’t know what the big fucking deal is.

(Get it? It was a joke about swearing! Zing!) (“Shit!”)

Kids of the Recession fan Simon Stone, of Alberta, Canada, was randomly given some free artwork from the Kids of the Recession archive for following us on Facebook. Do you want a cartoon or T. rex? Just go on Facebook and tell me why I should send you some.

And don’t order the turkey burger.

(Alternate title for this article: “The Goldilocks zone.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.


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