A topic that is generally very boring.

September 14, 2011 § 2 Comments

If you were not aware, human life depends on bees. We eat farm animals, who eat plants, which are pollenated by: bees. No bees = no plants = no food = death. (Although before the death there are some interesting end-of-days cannibal scenarios that are quite entertaining to imagine). So it seems that bees are a natural resource worth taking care of. In that spirit, I agree with the government when they say, “Let’s put the Franklin’s bumblebee on the endangered species list.”

Franklin’s bumblebee (Bombus franklini) is a species of bee that is native to Oregon, and apparently they are getting quite rare. A special interest group in the Beaver State (really…Oregon is “The Beaver State”) (nerds) have begun a petition to save the Franklin’s bumblebee, and so far the government is in agreement. In an unusual instance of government bipartisanship, it turns out that Republicans and Democrats agree that we shouldn’t wipe out all life on earth as we know it. (@TheWhiteHouse: “I support not causing a #NightOfTheLivingDead style apocalypse. lulz! Don’t eat me, bro! #humansaredelicious”).

It’s been a while since we had a #humansaredelicious hash tag.

No word on the bee populations on HD-85512b.

One of the plants that bees pollinate is the cantaloupe, and for the love of God, if  you have the choice between eating your loved ones or eating a cantaloupe: eat your loved ones. Cantaloupes are like sweet orange hand grenades waiting to go off in your intestines. That’s because the most recent crop of cantaloupes may be tainted with listeria.

Most of the food sickness outbreaks we hear about (and for some reason I am inordinately interested in food sickness outbreaks) are salmonella (Salmonella enterica), which is bad for you, but certainly not as bad as, say, the black death. Mostly you get a fever and you get diarrhea, and it’s unpleasant. On the other hand, listeria (Listeria monocytogenes) is super bad for you. The mortality rate for salmonella is less than 1 in 100; listeria’s mortality rate is more like 1 in 4. So don’t eat those cantaloupes! They may be infected with listeria! Satisfy yourself with a less potentially fatal melon! I recommend the “toad skin melon.” Really. They’re great.

While you’re enjoying a nice slice of toad skin melon, let me tell you about ancient fish. This is a topic that is generally very boring, but in this specific case, it is also boring. Some guys in Canada found a very old head belonging to a previously unknown big dinosaur fish, and have named it Lacognathus embryi.

Boring, right? A big dinosaur fish. That’s what I thought, too, until I saw the hilarious “artist’s conception” of what a Lacognathus embryi might look like. Now I love the Lacognathus embryi. Look. You will love it as much as I do.

Who is the artist that drew this conception? Me? But like, the eighth grade version of me? I don’t think that this doodle will end up in the Smithsonian anytime soon. It looks like it was drawn on a cocktail napkin. By someone who had just drank the cocktail. And perhaps several more before that.

And since I’ve already talked about a food-borne illness and some animals, that only leaves me with one topic remaining: Katy Perry. You may remember that she got sick after a show in Louisville, but now she seems to be be doing fine. She’s set to be on the cover of the Australian version of Cosmopolitan.

I didn’t know they had separate versions of Cosmo for different countries. Perhaps the sex tips are slightly different? (Perhaps the Australian “dirty snowball” is different than ours). Or maybe there are more boomerang advertisements in the Australian version? Who knows? I know that when I pick up and thumb through an issue of Cosmo while I’m waiting in line at the grocery store, the first thing I notice is the lack of boomerang advertisements.

Do you want a cartoon or T. rex? Just go on Facebook and tell me why I should send you one.

And happy 37th anniversary to my ma and pop.

(Alternate title for this article: “The eighth grade version of me.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.

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