Squids have different priorities.

September 22, 2011 § 2 Comments

Today we don’t have time for dilly dallying. I have a list of five things that I think you should know. And some of them you should know before tomorrow. Because tomorrow you may be killed by a falling piece of satellite.

(1) If you are stressed out about being killed by falling space debris, you can relax. Sort of.

The UARS, which we have talked about before, is falling to earth, and now NASA knows when it’s going to hit: tomorrow afternoon. The nerds down at NASA are able to tell us when it’s going to fall, but not yet where it’s going to fall, only that it will “leave a debris trail 500 miles long.” Latest reports indicate that it’s not going to hit North America, though, so I am canceling my space debris insurance. In fact, NASA says there’s only a 1 in 3200 chance that someone gets killed by falling pieces of satellite. Multiply that by 6,775,235,700 people in the world (according to Wikipedia), and that means that the chances of you (that’s right, I’m looking at you) being killed by a piece of the UARS is 1 in 21,680,754,200,000, or about the same as the odds as winning the lottery on the same day that you are struck by lightning and attacked by a polar bear (Ursus maritimus).

(2) Dolphins are total assholes.

A harbor porpoise (Phocoena phocoena) recently washed ashore in San Francisco (home of the world’s only Franciscan manzanita), and biologists now believe that he was the victim of “porpicide.” It was murdered by bottlenose dolphins (Tursiops truncatus). Yes, that’s what I said: a bunch of dolphin bullies murdered a harbor porpoise. So much for dolphins being the friendly happy clowns of the sea. Think twice before going to SeaWorld.

(3) R.E.M. broke up.

At first I was like, “Oh no! R.E.M. broke up!” and then I was like, “Oh wait. R.E.M. kinda sucks.” So if you go out drinking tonight, ask your bartender for a “Losing My Religion” (1 oz peach schnapps, 1 oz lemon pucker, 1 oz coconut rum, 3 oz Sprite). (I don’t think that’s a real drink; I just made it up). (And it sounds terrible).

(4) Squids aren’t gay, they’re just not that picky.

Researchers observed several years of mating behavior of a certain species of deep water squid (Octopoteuthis deletron), and noticed that males are equally likely to mate with males as females. Suddenly everyone was talking about how squids were bisexual. But if you read to the bottom of your squid fact sheet, you will see that squids don’t “mate” per se. Males of the species stab a “sperm pack” into any random part of the female’s body, and her internal systems are designed to move the sperm to the necessary location. So imagine that a bunch of people are in a bar, and all the guys have darts. And if a dude can hit a girl with his dart, he wins a prize (in this case, he gets her pregnant; squids have slightly different priorities than we do). Now imagine that no one knows the difference between males and females, so the guys are just tossing sperm darts willy nilly around the bar. That’s what the squid dating scene is like. So they’re not bisexual, they just don’t know the difference between males and females, and couldn’t be bothered to stick around to find out.

(5) Katy Perry’s going to be on the cover of InStyle magazine.

It turns out that she’s not just popular in Australia.

Go! Go to Facebook! Go now!

(Alternate title for this article: “Ask your bartender for a ‘Losing My Religion’.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.

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