1815 Revisited.

September 23, 2011 § 1 Comment

Because I know that you have been sitting at home worrying about getting killed by flaming pieces of satellite falling from the sky onto your heads, here’s an update: apparently North America is back in play. So the chances of you getting skulled by a piece of cosmic recycling are slightly higher than yesterday! Get a helmet! This morning the nerds down at NASA said that the UARS was going to fall harmlessly into the Pacific Ocean, and we can all stop freaking out, but now this afternoon, they are telling us that the falling satellite has slowed down considerably, and so they have no idea where it’ll hit. In fact, they’re saying that it might not even fall until Saturday. Hopefully it lands after the LSU-WVU game. I’ve got $10 on the Tigers, minus six.

It’s Friday afternoon. It’s been a long week, hasn’t it? Here’s five things I think you should know about:

(1) Melissa McCarthy (left) and Jenny McCarthy (right) are cousins.

Melissa McCarthy is the very funny actress from the show “Mike & Molly” and Jenny McCarthy is an actress slash former Playmate slash MTV personality slash autism awareness advocate. Jenny also featured prominently in my puberty, for reasons that I won’t mention because my mother might be reading this. But there has apparently been a lot of speculation in Hollywood (by people who don’t have lives) as to whether or not they are related. So after Melissa won an Emmy (or whatever award she won; I can’t keep the awards straight. Emmys are for TV, right?), Jenny tweeted something about “congratulations to my cousin Melissa” blah blah blah they’re related. I don’t really care that much about this celebrity stuff; unless it involves Katy Perry.

(2) Mount Tambora is going to erupt, and it’s going to get messy.

Mount Tambora is in Indonesia, and it has started to belch puffs of smoke and ash, and people (specifically Indonesians) are starting to get genuinely worried. You see, when Mount Tambora last erupted, in 1815, it was the largest and most destructive volcanic eruption in human history. And it killed more than 71,000 people. And if it decides to go all “1815 Revisited,” it’s not just the Indonesians who should be worried: in 1816 there was no summer in North America or Europe because of “volcanic weather.” No summer! So people who live near Mount Tambora are wisely taking shelter far far away, and hopefully there will be a summer in 2012. As long as we don’t all get killed by falling space junk first.

(3) If you live in Australia, you have more gender choices than the rest of us.

Our old friends the Australians are back at it. They have decided that when applying for an Australian passport, when it comes to gender, you may either select M (for male), F (for female), or X (for “other”). I don’t even know what to say about this. I’ll quite comfortable to just stick with “M.”

(4) If you have plans to make a pornographic movie involving a firetruck this weekend, make sure you first consult with the fire marshal.

What you’re looking at is an adult film actress named Charley Chase and LAFD engine #263. Apparently engine #263 recently appeared in an adult film (starring the aforementioned Charley Chase). Two problems quickly emerged: (1) the city of Los Angeles doesn’t want their firetrucks co-starring in pornographic movies, and (2) some of the gentlemen in the film were actual on-duty LAFD firefighters, who engaged in “lewd acts” with the film’s star. Amazingly, this is the second time that the city has had to investigate a public department for making pornographic films while on the clock! You can imagine that there’s a really good joke here about getting a government job from Charley Chase, if you catch my drift, but (as I said before) my mother might be reading this.

(5) Just because nobody knows who/what you are, doesn’t mean you’re not cute.

At this point I would usually say, “this happy little fellow is a blahblah (Blahblah blahblah),” but this mysterious raccoon-like chap, who was anonymously donated to a zoo in China, is a totally unknown creature. Chinese scientists (who, let’s be honest, have disappointed us before) have no idea what type of thing he is. I think it’s a potto (Perodicticus potto) with a funky patterned coat. Either way, cute.

Do you like the new “point form” format? Go on Facebook and let us know.

(Alternate title for this article: “The Ballad of Charley Chase and the LAFD.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.

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