Bested by a wad of sea snot.

September 27, 2011 § 3 Comments

No post yesterday, sorry. I was busy out looking for pieces of the UARS satellite which fell through the atmosphere and (probably) into the Pacific Ocean on Saturday morning. I say “probably” because somehow those nerds down at NASA lost track of it, and they have no idea where it went. How do you lose a six ton satellite? Especially one that may or may not have hit people…wouldn’t you want to warn people to get an umbrella? My favourite part of this story is what Neil Armstrong, most famous astronaut of all time and first man to walk on the moon, said: “[this is] lamentably embarrassing and unacceptable.” Ha! Burn! Take that, NASA nerds!

But because I was busy writing a will and renewing my space debris insurance, I have two days worth of stuff to cover, so here’s a few things to get you through your Tuesday.

(1) Spoiler alert: Mufasa dies.

The Lion King was the top grossing movie of the weekend, even though it was firsts released in 1994. Don’t we all already know what happens? Mufasa dies, Simba runs away, everyone’s “hakuna matata-ing,” there’s some hyenas, then a girl lion, then Simba is the king. I guess the big draw is that now it’s in 3D, so you really feel like you’re a part of the action when the warthog is eating bugs. The whole 3D thing is not a big draw for me, because I tend to get a little “seasick.” Although I must say that the last 3D movie that I saw was Jackass 3D and it was awesome.

(2) “Where’s the beef?” you ask? It’s in the trash.

That’s right! Along with all the other food that’s been recalled recently (including the listeria-bearing cantaloupe that has already killed numerous people across the country), we must also fear for our beef. 40,000 pounds of ground beef which was supposed to go into school lunches for children in Georgia was tainted with E. coli and has been recalled. So if you live in Georgia, you may want to pack your child’s lunch for the next couple of days. “Meatloaf Day” down at the cafeteria may become “Three-days-of-diarrhea-and-vomiting Day” if you’re not careful.

(3) Beware of jellyfish!

Diana Nyad is a lady who swims. According to Wikipedia, she has swam around Manhattan island (7:57:00), across Lake Ontario (4:22:00), the Bay of Naples (8:11:00), and several other “marathon” swims. So she decided to swim from Cuba to Florida (which is 103 miles). She’s tried twice before and never succeeded, due to adverse weather. This time she had completed 80 miles of the trip (in about 40 hours), before they had to call of the attempt because she was getting repeatedly stung by a Portuguese man o’ war (Physalia physalis), which is an extremely badass jellyfish. Nyad, who is 62 years old, says that she’s not going to try again. Something about almost being killed in the middle of the ocean by poisonous jellyfish is not her idea of “a good time.” Alas, bested by a wad of sea snot. What would Neil Armstrong say about that?

(4) There are a lot of dogs in India.

There are thousands and thousands of stray dogs in India, and officials are starting to do something about it. Apparently people are tired of being harassed and injured by roaming packs of wild dogs (sort of like they were tired of having their heads eaten by leopards). So the government of Delhi has decided to wrangle and sterilize all the wild dogs in their city. This is similar to the gatti di Roma (all the stray cats in Rome), but with fewer saucers of milk. (@gattidiroma2011: “Tourists love me! #SPQR”). (Bonus points for anyone who can tell me what “SPQR” stands for without googling it).

(5) If you must smuggle hummingbirds, perhaps don’t put them in your pants.

This photo (and a few others) were released by French customs officials are discovering that a man was trying to smuggle several hummingbirds in his pants. Do you really want several tiny birds pecking at your private areas while you try to sneak through customs? There are probably several good jokes here, involving nectar slash woodpeckers slash hummers, but I will leave those to your imagination. Best hummingbird joke wins.

Do you know what “SPQR” stands for? Go to our Facebook and brag about how smart you are.

(Alternate title for this article: “Meatloaf Day”).

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.

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