Science fiction’s worst idea run amok.

September 28, 2011 § 1 Comment

I am going to warn you ahead of time: if you don’t want to hear about Korean prostitutes, you may want to cover your eyes. I usually do a good job of warning everyone when I’m going to talk about shit or pornography or other tawdry topics (like having hummingbirds in your pants), and generally we do a pretty good job of keeping things PG-13. So I’m going to warn you now: the phrase “Korean prostitutes” appears a few paragraphs down. Proceed with caution.

(1) Don’t panic, but if you’re afraid of (a) rats, or (b) cyborgs, you might want to skip down to the Korean prostitutes.

I feel like this is a bad idea of Jurassic Park-ian proportions, but scientists in Israel have replaced a rat’s cerebellum (part of the brain) with few electronic gizmos, and the rat is doin’ just fine. Allow me to say that a different way: a couple of Dr. Frankensteins in Israel have replaced a rat’s brain with a computer, and the rat (Rattus norvegius) is ratting around like nothing ever happened. Didn’t we learn anything from “The Matrix”? This is science fiction’s worst idea run amok on little rat feet. Cyborgs? Check. End of humanity? Pending.

(2) Dead Sea scrolls, now available online! Sponsored by!

I’m just kidding about the thing, but the Dead Sea scrolls really are available online. I don’t know any Hebrew or Aramaic or whatever ancient language the scrolls are in, but I’m assuming that those who can read it are pumped. I just shuffled stupidly through the images and thought, “Cool! An old piece of paper that I can’t read!” But apparently it’s several documents encompassing: a copy of the book Isaiah (from the Bible), something about Habakkuk (the book of the Bible that presents the funniest rhyming possibilities), and some general behavioral guidelines. I’m not sure; I just have to take their word for it. You can read (or, like me, stupidly stare at) the scrolls here at the Israel Museum website.

(3) This is the part about the Korean prostitutes.

The government of South Korea wants to make stricter laws regarding prostitution, and apparently the prostitutes are upset about it. They are anonymously protesting, with masks and sunglasses, basically sending the government a Braveheart-esque message: “You can take our lives, but you can never take…OUR PROSTITUTION!” I’m not sure what the proposed laws are, but I imagine they’re something like what they did in Germany, to make sure that prostitutes paid their taxes. If the laws are aimed at day-to-day execution of their trade, then…I am reserving comment (my mother might be reading this). Best Korean prostitute joke wins.

(4) Closely related to prostitution: music videos.

A big time pop singer named Rihanna, was recently filming a music video on a farm in Ireland, when the farmer (on whose land they were filming) caught a glimpse of what Rihanna was wearing, and he shut ’em down. He had agreed to let them film on his land, but didn’t realize that there was going to be “questionable” attire. So when Rihanna stripped down to a red bikini, he stormed out of his farmhouse and told them to shut it down. The farmer, who is 61 years old, could not have his mind changed, even when Rihanna’s handlers tried to negotiate and then explained what a superstar Rihanna is, so they had to shut it down. He kicked the bikini-ed pop singer and her whole entourage off his land and went back to growing barley. I, for one, am pumped. I am always in favour of curmudgeonly old Irishmen ruining peoples’ music videos.

(5) Would anyone care for some “miracle fruit?”

So this little berry-looking thing (Synsepalum dulcificum) is called “miracle fruit,” and here’s why: by itself it is tasteless, but if you let the juices get in your mouth, you can eat anything and it will be sweet and delicious. Things that are sour taste sweet (“Lemons taste like sweet oranges,” says a dude from the U. of Tokyo), things that are bitter taste delicious (“Beer tastes like sweet juice,” says the Japanese guy). Apparently you pop a “miracle fruit” into your mouth and then eat anything: pickles, old cheese, Tabasco sauce (“Tastes like doughnut glaze,” he says), or whatever. So people are now having “flavour tripping” parties. What they do is they get a bunch of wacky slash bitter slash sour foods, they chomp a miracle fruit, and then they start eating. Allegedly you can drink a whole glass of vinegar and it’ll be awesome. I’m going to track down some of this miracle fruit and have a “flavour tripping” party. Who wants to come?

We’ve got to enjoy ourselves before the rat cyborgs take over the world. (@CyborgRat2XR7Q: “Resistance is futile. #wearetheborg”). (Did anyone get that mid-90s Star Trek joke?).

(Alternate title for this article: “The Irish ruin everything.”)

Keep a good heart; the worst is yet to come.


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